Long Jumps
(Part Fiction Non Fiction Explorations 09.27.10)
(Part Fiction Non Fiction Explorations 09.27.10)
I never thought I would be able to up and go, almost from one moment to the next move from NYC to Paris. I let go of all my belongings, bed, couch, art work, forks, bed, chairs, bookshelves, knives, cups, pretty cotton sheets and left with only one suitcase, destination Paris.
I knew I could leave all my little cute belongings as part inheritance to my ex- boyfriend who couldn’t decide if he loved me enough to ask me to stay, he let me go because we both knew if there were doubts we would destroy all that was wondrous in both of us. This letting go, this telling him- came about one morning after I prepared a sumptuous breakfast of scrambled eggs , toast, and fresh orange juice, yoghurt with sliced fruit, and honey …my then boyfriend in charge of making hot delicious hazelnut flavored coffee listened patiently. I announced to him, that I’d move to Paris, he said “don’t go” “you are crazy” and “you can’t be a gypsy your whole life” “just stay” but his heart wasn’t in it and I knew this already, I smiled and told him everything would be ok. I told him in detail the recent trip I had taken to Florida and the return trip where our flight had an emergency landing, this sounded cliché and funny coming from my mouth but I understood from the moments holding hands with “strangers”, that I did not want to live a life taking things for granted or being taken for granted.
I had tried for four years to be a true artist while working a ”job”, tried to be the wife without being acknowledged as such, tried being settled and stable and it seemed everyone around was doing the same…and there were lots of complaints about relationship, finances and progress . I kept receiving messages in small things, like some ancient bibliomancy, I’d open a book and find “when I let go of what I am I become what I might be, when I let go of what I have I receive what I need “from Tao te Ching written in the margins of “God Bless you Mr. Rosewater” by a Kurt Vonnegut … I bought this copy at a West Village street sale for an amazing fifty cents…miraculous too.
The feeling kept bubbling up that my life needed not “change” but to shift…and it shifted slowly and gracefully. I announced to my boss, and my mother that I’d be looking for work and apartments in Paris. The risk I was about to take was not unique but it was… I was open to everything, any job, connecting on Facebook and reaching out to people I had lost touch with ten years before, all this from a woman who lived in New York and was seen as social and lively, had a serious seeming relationship with a “nice” man…was truly a hermit. Closed off from the world…detachment was good sometimes. But I had been observing myself for too long and not actually participating in my life. I had given so much of me in New York, grown up in my late twenties …leaving things was not merely escape it was maturity in the form of courage. All my colorful plates and shabby chic mish mash of coffee cups were a mosaic of my energy and joy that I had given my man, my work, my friends, and my family. My life in the city had been about “doing” so much, and doing it all with effort and gusto. Somehow I had awakened over hazelnut creamed coffee and a handsome man staring at me in disbelief… I knew life offered us many chances and I was going to leap.
A few days after my decision I was left to wonder what made one enough to be loved, to enter in to union, to succeed in art as career, to give to your friends, your lover, your family and never feel empty. I am still looking for answers and am prepared to do more hard work as I encounter more questions. So along with my underpants, I packed my flaws neatly in my suitcase.
I sought jobs in France and received one hundred scam responses for apartments in Paris. I did not let one thing get me down, I did not for one moment say to myself this is a stupid idea…as I had at mile sixteen during my first marathon. I finished the marathon with giggling elation. I took aim on this new Paris, this world adventure finish line “slow and steady wins the race”. Forty two kilometers was no different, getting to old European cities for no other reason than just to try something I have never done before.
I live in Paris; I have odd jobs and live with an aspiring designer who has a dog. I never thought I would live with someone who had a dog in the 17th arondissment of Paris… I eat religeuse au chocolat too often. I run more because I eat religeuse au chocolat too often. I love life with all its obstacles. I call my mother as I promised her so she does not worry; she promised too, not to get too worried if I don’t call for a week. I never thought about courage or faith daily…but in Paris , when I walk around I think of myself living in another dimension, or still in New York… where I will always be welcome . And how Paris, the world opened its arms to me because I opened mine - swung back and jumped into the unknown. And little bits of my energetic mosaic glisten more each day. This is a long jump, the picture is incomplete, imperfect, but the unknown is welcoming.
